


A Prayer for Chaos

by wyvern



Series: Love's Greatest Killer [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Established Relationship, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Self-Hatred, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 07:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5735734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyvern/pseuds/wyvern
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur might love Merlin, but Merlin pushes everyone away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Prayer for Chaos

**Author's Note:**

> **Additional warnings:** Slightly unhealthy relationship.
> 
> Merlin and its characters belong to BBC, Shine, history and whatever else. 
> 
> Thank you to Jess and [nomical](http://archiveofourown.org/users/nomical/pseuds/nomical) for the quick and thorough beta work! I can't thank you enough. All remaining errors are my own.
> 
> Title from the quote "Worry is a prayer for chaos" (Gabrielle Bernstein).

***

“ _Fuck you_ , Arthur!”

“Merlin, I’m just saying that—”

“If Cen is such a fucking darling, if he’s so fucking perfect, why don’t you just crawl back to him and beg for him to take you back?! I sure as hell will be just fine without you and your fucking demands!”

Arthur’s jaw tightens, and without another word, he turns and leaves the room. Merlin doesn’t follow. He just sits himself down onto the floor beside their bed, suddenly feeling completely drained. 

It takes a minute before Merlin can hear the front door slam shut, and he’s sure he’s fucked it up properly this time. If Arthur stopped to collect some of his things, he might not be coming back... ever. Maybe he’ll go back to Cen — they _are_ still friends, although they’ve both agreed that their friendship is a lot better than their relationship ever was.

It’s easy to believe he’s driven his boyfriend and his _only_ friend away, since he drove all his other friends off ages ago. Morgana, Gwen, Leon, Gwaine, Elyan could possibly be considered his friends... but they were all Arthur’s friends first and they’d sort of just adopted Merlin into their midst without any say in the matter. They’d all take Arthur’s side in an argument, Merlin is sure of that. Arthur might even be calling them now to tell them that he and Merlin have broken up and he’s going back to Cen instead. Cen, who’s never difficult. Cen, who’s outgoing, funny, and normal in the best kind of ways.

Cen, who isn’t anxious, who hasn’t got OCD, who doesn’t push people away every time things get difficult.

“It’s only in your head, Merlin,” Arthur says sometimes. “The things your brain tells you are not how things are. It’s working against you. Merlin. I love you. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.”

But Merlin’s pushed too hard this time. He’s finally pushed Arthur away.

He sits on the floor by the bed for a long time, staring at nothing in particular. He tries to shut his brain up but he doesn’t manage it, and he starts to feel like he’s going insane. He can’t distinguish between what he really feels, and what his brain is trying to trick him into feeling. It’s all muddled up in his mind.

The sun has fully set when nature calls and he has to get up or he’ll piss on the floor. With stiff legs, he rises and stumbles to the loo. Afterwards, he tries to leave the bathroom, but gets stuck on the light switch. Again. The compulsive thoughts have gotten better, but this time it takes forever for him to leave. It’s been so long since he’s had to deal with them on his own. Usually Arthur is the one who distracts him and comforts him when it feels like he’s going to burst with anxiety.

But he’s gone now. Arthur’s gone and Merlin doesn’t know when he’ll be back.

A deep breath in is difficult. The slow exhale even more so, but...

One, two... no.

He bites his bottom lip, tries to concentrate to get it right... The voice in his head that usually is Arthur’s — the one that keeps him together, helps him breathe through it — isn’t there anymore, and it’s just Merlin’s own voice he hears.

And that voice isn’t as nice as Arthur’s. _That_ voice tells Merlin he’s a major disappointment, a crazy person, someone who can’t even do the simplest things. Merlin should be able to stop his compulsions, because it’s just in his head, right? It’s just imaginary. Merlin should be able to stop himself from going crazy. Merlin should just be normal, like everyone else. Why is it possible for everyone else to be normal, but not him?

Why can’t he do this? Why is his life like this? Why... Why did he push Arthur away? Please help, please, please, please...

One, two...

***

The front door clicks shut, and Merlin can hear Arthur’s voice calling out for him. He’s still in the bathroom, sitting on the floor, leaning against the cold tiles. The lights are still on. The rest of the flat is probably dark, and to Merlin it feels like it takes forever for Arthur’s footsteps to reach the bedroom.

“Merlin?”

Merlin just nods, too exhausted to call out. Also maybe a little bit scared of what will happen if he does.

Not that he’s scared of Arthur. No, Arthur would never hurt him on purpose, but what if he has come back to collect his things? What if this is the last time Merlin will ever see him?

The door to the bathroom opens, and Merlin looks up into Arthur’s worried face.

“Merlin,” Arthur says on a small exhale.

“Hi.” Merlin reaches out to touch Arthur’s jeans, to double check he’s really here. “Would you please turn the lights off?”

Arthur does and sits down on the floor opposite Merlin. They sit quietly for a while. Merlin rests his hand on Arthur’s ankle, tries to soak up all of his common sense, his calmness, through his skin.

“Merlin, I’m sorry.”

Merlin shakes his head. “No, don’t be. I was...” He sighs. “I was unreasonable. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“No,” Arthur says. “No, but I shouldn’t have asked too much of you either.”

“It’s a good idea,” Merlin says and sighs. “Theoretically. But I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it.”

It’s difficult to make Arthur out in the dark, but Merlin imagines he can still see disappointment on his face.

“What if I come along?”

“What?”

“I can come with you to the therapist’s office. I’ll sit outside while you go in, and afterwards, we go home together. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, or anything like that.”

Merlin doesn’t say anything to that. They both stay quiet for several minutes before Merlin replies.

“So you’re not moving out?”

Arthur swallows. “Do you want me to?”

“I understand if you don’t want to stay. I mean, it’s very... I’m very...”

“I want to stay, Merlin.”

“It won’t just disappear,” Merlin says, not because he wants Arthur to leave him, but because it feels really important that he understands that this won’t fix anything.

Arthur just shakes his head. “Okay. Doesn’t matter. Let’s just try it.”

“Okay,” Merlin says. “Okay, I’ll try.”

“We’ll try.”

“Okay.”

Arthur’s hand finds Merlin’s in the dark, and with a small tug, he drags Merlin closer. Leaning in, he leans his forehead to Merlin’s. His other hand lightly caresses Merlin’s cheek and Merlin knows what Arthur’s going to say before he says it.

“I love you.” 

Merlin tries to believe him.

“Okay.” It itches in Merlin’s chest to argue, but he bites down on his bottom lip to stop the words slipping out. “Thanks for turning the light off.”

“Merlin...”

But Merlin can’t say it back. Not right now.

“Can’t we just go to bed?”

Arthur sighs. “Yeah, of course, love.”

He drags Merlin up on his feet and out into the bedroom. Merlin stumbles a bit, but Arthur catches him, like he always does. Merlin doesn’t fall, doesn’t break.

***

When it’s again dark around them, and they’re both tucked under their big duvet, Merlin reaches out and takes Arthur’s hand. Arthur grumbles a little bit, having almost fallen asleep.

“Arthur?”

“Yeah, love?” 

Arthur’s voice is sleepy, but he’s there. Still there.

“I love you, too.”

And Merlin presses a kiss to Arthur’s thumb, and they’re all right. They’re fine.

They’re fine for now.

***

THE END

***


End file.
